Time
by clexa727
Summary: Lexa lost Costia in the public eye. Clarke lost Finn in the public eye. This is a story of their recovery, together and apart. Modern Clexa AU
1. Chapter 1

Time

Chapter 1

Lexa threw the bottle against the wall, laughing quietly. She loved the sound, it's really the only thing she loved besides the vodka. And hell, the vodka was the only thing she could love, because vodka was always there, it couldn't die, unlike some people.

She stumbled back into her kitchen and opened her freezer, and smiled. From the top to bottom, side to side her freezer was lined with bottles and bottles of vodka. Lexa grabbed three and stumbled back to her room. She threw them on her bed and slammed her door shut, she hated this part. She could never get the top off the bottle. And then the anger would come, and dear lord, that was the worst part.

Her hands shook, her lips trembled and she reached for the bottle and fell to her knees, clawing at the top of the bottle, jerking her hand from left to right, the top not coming lose and she needed to feel that burn. She craved the burn, only thing that made her feel alive, after she lost _her_. After minutes of jerking and clawing at the bottle top she got mad, she saw red, and crawled to her dresser. She breathed in deep through her nostrils and raised herself up, and she looked herself in her eyes. Her forest green, blood shot eyes and she grew angrier.

Angrier at herself for not going after her, angrier at Nia, for bringing her to that damn club. For having her talk to that guy, letting her go home with that guy, and not telling her that the guy was a monster. That he was some sick bastard who loved to hurt women, loved to hurt people who hurt him.

She blinked and saw that the bottle was still closed, and she needed that sip, just one sip. And she was still angry, and that burn soothed her. Her rule was three strikes you're out, she'd already tried twice. She lifted the bottle once more and jerked the top again. No result, and her mouth was getting dry, her head getting clearer and she did not want that, and the only thing she could think of was getting the bottle open.

She lifted the bottle high, and with all her might brought the bottle down against the dresser and heard the shatter of glass. She lifted the bottle into her eye sight and smiled in triumph, it was open. The neck of the bottle had scattered cracks and chips, while the open area had jagged tips. The only thing on her mind was get that one sip she wanted. Her trembling hand let the bottle slip out of her fingertips and she yelped slightly.

"Damn it! Fucking shit come back!" She dove for the bottle and the top scarped against her arm, leaving a huge gash along her forearm.

She looked at her arm a cursed quietly, but the only thing on her mind was that damn sip of vodka she wanted. She ignored the pain and lifted the bottle to her lips. She grimaced, she could taste her blood. Lexa took a deep breath and wrapped her lips around the broken glass and waited for the clear substance to touch her tongue, and when it did she moaned in relief. And kept drinking, until the bottle was empty.

Her head was swimming, and the edges of her slight were blurry, and worsening by the second. She scrambled for her phone, she knew something was very wrong.

Her arm.

Lexa dialed Anya's number and kept muttering about blood and glass. Anya knew it was another episode.

#####

"Lexa!" Indra yelled

"What?!"

"We need you to get you back in bed." She said softly

Lexa groaned, "I've been in that damn bed for two weeks, let me fucking walk!"

"Do you know why you are in the bed?" Indra sighed, they went through this every day, "you're in the bed because you needed a liver transplant, along with stitches to stop the internal bleeding from swallowing all the glass. Now get your ass in the bed."

#####

She'd been out of the hospital for about three weeks, and she was back where she started. Her back pressed against the head board, her TV blank, and a bottle of vodka in between her legs.

Today was the day.

It was the day that her world was turned upside down and it couldn't hurt more.

One year, without _her_.

Lexa refused to cry, it wouldn't help anything.

She was playing their last night together in her mind, beating herself up for not doing things differently, for not just keeping her mouth shut. If she had, god everything would be so much better.

Lexa looked down at the bottle and saw that there was nothing in it.

She needed another.

#####

Anya knocked on Lexa's door, and waited for the drunk woman to open the door, but nothing.

She whipped out her key and threw the door open.

She saw nothing.

Anya knew yesterday was the day. She knew she should've came over and made sure her friend was at least alive. She knew she should've.

Anya checked Lexa's bathroom, then the kitchen. The freezer was open, restocked with alcohol.

 _Bedroom._

Anya opened the door quickly, and saw her laying limp in the middle of the bed, four bottles shattered on the floor, the hardwood scratched beyond repair.

She knew this was it.

Dialing nine-one-one she rushed carefully to the bed to check for a pulse. It was faint, but their.

#####

"Her vitals are stable for now, but she's not going to be fine for a while. The degree of her alcohol poisoning was mild but it is still alcohol poisoning none the less." A deep voice said.

"But she's going to live?" She heard Anya ask.

A heavy sigh and then, "Most likely yes. But don't get your hopes up, her recovery will be long. And because she didn't take care of her replacement liver, she's not going to be given one for a while."

"Don't worry, I'm going to get her back in shape and better, for the most part." Anya promised the doctor.

Lexa then slipped back into sleep.

She didn't know how long it had been, but she was awoken by a loud sob. And a gruff voice mumbling words out.

Her parents.

She groaned and tried to sit up but her head started pounding violently. She heard another sob and it made the pounding worse. She went to open her mouth, but her jaw was glued shut, or so it seemed. She was trying to regain of her body but nothing was working and she needed to open her eyes.

Nothing.

She tried to sit up again and the violent pounding started back up. Her jaw slackened though and she was able to taste the god awful things going on in her mouth. It wasn't pretty, at all. Lexa opened her mouth and her throat screamed for water, her body screamed for food. She started coughing, aggressive, disgusting coughing. Her body bent backwards as she tried to stop the coughing and she heard a sharp crack. And her body went limp again.

Something was wrong, very very wrong.

She heard another sob and then felt hands on her body, hostile hands. Pushing her body to and fro, like a limp play doll and it infuriated her. She wasn't a lump, or a rag doll. She was a human and damn it she wanted to wake up.

She shook her head and started to fit the hands, lashing out and trying with all her might to get them off.

It was no use. They seemed to have a mission to keep touching her.

A hand grasped the inner side of her thigh and her eyes flew open, a scream ripped from her throat.

"GET OFF! GET OFF, GET OFF, PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME." Her voice carried into the hall and Anya ran into the room and saw where the woman's hand was and cursed inwardly.

"Don't touch her, let her go!" Anya told them firmly.

"If we let her go, she may break a bone or even worse. Now ma'am I need you to step out of the room!"

Please, god please let me go, not again, I can't do it again. No more please!" Lexa pleaded with the air, the memories resurfacing.

"Just let her go you dumb old bitch!" Anya yelled and the women let go.

Lexa kept murmuring to herself, sobbing and lashing out. Her body shook and the doctors lifted their hands, looking at the vibrating woman in front of them, Anya told them they needed to leave and locked the door behind them.

"Lexa look at me, open your eyes Lex. Its Anya, just breathe and look at me."

"A-Anya I need water. W-water please. Anya please." Lexa pleaded and it broke her heart, but she got the water and helped Lexa sit up, without touching any triggering places on her body.

#####

Lexa knew it was an honest mistake, she was having an episode and they were just trying to help.

She still couldn't get over the feeling, of someone's hand _there_. No one was supposed to touch _there_.

Anya and her parents came and went, she never expected for them all to stay as long as they did. She gave them clipped answers and snide remarks, but they still stayed. And she was so grateful.

She'd never tell them that though.

Lexa knew it was time. She had hit rock bottom and it was time to climb back to the top.

It was time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Clarke couldn't believe what she had just heard. She wouldn't believe it, because it was impossible. It was Finn, he always came home after a fight, no matter what was said.

He always came home.

Raven looked at her as if she was a ghost. She must have gotten a call as well.

Clarke needed to see it, she grabbed her keys, didn't wait for Raven, and drove off to the hospital. She needed to see him, because he would be there, and when she opened the door he'd smile at her and she'd kiss him and apologize profusely.

That's how it's supposed to go, they were America's Star couple. They were the perfect image. She was happy, the universe was on her side.

How could this happen?

To this day she doesn't know how she didn't cause an accident driving to the hospital and how she even got to his room. But she got their and she saw him. Blood staining his clothes, his hair, and his face. It was everywhere. She knew then, he was gone. No one could lose that much blood and survive resuscitation. He probably bled out in the ambulance, and was too far gone before he was even in the trauma room. And she hated that she knew that.

She hated it.

She heard a deep voice call her name, but she couldn't look away from him. He was paler than before and his hair was sticking up in weird places. She couldn't look away, she had to take him in. She knew it would be the last time she saw him in person, so she ignored the man calling her name and sat on the side of his bed, and pulled his limp body into her chest and held him. She held him until Raven and her mother arrived and Raven ripped her away from him, and cried into his chest.

Abby could only grab her daughter and pull her into the nearest bathroom. She took Clarke into her arms and let her daughter cry, it's all she could do. She couldn't take the pain away, but she wished she could.

"Clarke, look at me." Abby whispered.

Clarke lifted her head, "I tried, when we fought. I tried to be the good guy and get him to calm down. I tried."

"Maybe there are no good guys Clarke. Maybe it's just people. Neither good nor bad, maybe we all are just existing together with pressures and stigmatisms put on us by society." She thought back to the conversation with Raven, weeks earlier.

#####

That night Clarke stayed in her room, locked away in her own world. Her world of pain and pictures.

She loved his smile, the way he looked at her, the way he loved. She loved it all. She loved him. So much.

Clarke pleaded, with whatever force she was praying to, she pleaded and begged. She just wanted to say sorry. She wanted to kiss him one more time, she wanted to say it was her fault. That she shouldn't have done what she did, she should've listened to Octavia. Maybe then he would be home. Lying in bed with her, playing with her hair. They'd be happy again, not with her mother standing watch at her door, not with him sitting in a morgue waiting for transportation to his casket. She wouldn't be laying in his spot looking at pictures of them happy, when the universe was on her side.

#####

It had been days since Finn's accident and Clarke had put out a statement. The world knew, and everyone was heartbroken. Her fans were showering her in love and good wishes while her family and co-workers were sending muffin basket after muffin basket. She and her mother ate muffins for days.

They were good though.

Clarke and Raven hadn't said a word to each other since they had gotten home from the hospital. Clarke had tried to text her, to get a conversation going, but Raven just told her to fuck off. After that it was radio silence between the two. Neither could muster up the courage to speak to the other.

Clarke had so much to say to Raven, to apologize, to just talk to her friend again, but she didn't know how. Plus she was afraid of Raven rejecting her apology, again. She didn't want to lose her too.

#####

Clarke had been sleeping a lot lately, her depression getting worse as the days go by. But on this particular day she had been awaken to hear her phone going off and pounding at her door. She trudged out of bed and looked through her peep hole, seeing a fuming Raven and Octavia on the other side.

She gulped before opening the door.

''Hey Rae, hey O." Her voice came out harsh and scratchy.

Raven pushed past her and Octavia just gave her an apologetic look before she heard a huge thump and she rushed into her room. Seeing a hole in her wall and Raven looking back at her, the closet doors open.

"Raven I can explain."

"You have no right Clarke. No right to give away his clothes, no right to erase him from your life like he means nothing. You don't get to do that after you caused that damn accident!" Raven stepped closer to her, arms in the arm.

"Raven it's been six months!" Clarke yelled.

Raven took a step back, "So you get to decide when is long enough to mourn huh?"

"Raven," Clarke sighed, ''you know that's not what I meant"

"Then what the fuck did you mean _princess_?"

Octavia then stepped between them, "Enough, you two fighting isn't going to bring him back. And you both know Finn wouldn't want you two fighting anyway."

"Finn isn't here, is he Princess?" Raven taunted.

"Shut up!"

Raven felt fire in her belly, "Why princess? Does it hurt to know his blood is on your hands? The man you loved, dead because you were to stubborn to just let it go."

"SHUT UP!" Clarke saw Raven's smirk disappear.

"ENOUGH!" Octavia bellowed and both girls went rigid.

"You both need to shut up. He is _gone_. He _isn't_ coming back. Finn isn't going to magically walk through the door. And you two idiots think fighting and placing blame on each other will bring him back? It won't! You two need each other right now, you both loved him. And he loved both of you, he really did. And his choice in who he picked to marry isn't anybody's fault. He made a choice. Just let it go, stop fighting over a dead man!" Octavia yelled, feeling her body grow lighter.

"Let's just go Octavia." Raven said quietly.

Clarke was livid, "You think you can just walk away now? After being a bitch to me for months?! You can't just walk into my house, treat me the way you did, punch a fucking hole in my wall and then leave?! I don't fucking think so Raven!"

"CLARKE MARIE GRIFFIN!" Octavia yelled and Clarke slumped against her wall.

"I'm done Raven. It wasn't my fault okay? He cheated. He fell out of love, he fell in love. I didn't make him do that. If I had known about you before," She ran a hand over her face, "I wouldn't have fucked him. I wouldn't have loved him. Raven it's not my fault. It's not my fault."

Raven was silent for a while, her head in her hands. She looked up with tears in her eyes.

"I didn't do anything wrong did? I mean besides blame you for him cheating, but that wasn't you was it? It was him. He saw you, he fucked you. He left me, it wasn't us was it? He was just a pig, never happy with whoever he was fucking. God I should've known, he did the same thing with me.'' Raven wiped her face, her leg starting to tremble from the time she'd been standing, "He sought me out, he fucked me too. He left Nancy for me, god I should've fucking known!" Raven ranted and Clarke grabbed her arm, sat Raven on her bed.

"Raven it's not your fault." Clarke murmured to her.

"But I put myself in that position," Raven wipes her face again, "I caused myself this pain."

"Raven," it was Octavia's turn, "you know it wasn't your fault. You both never made him a cheater, he made himself a cheater. You guys aren't at fault."

"I _hate_ him." Clarke whispered

Raven snorted, "You _love_ him."

"I know!" Clarke sighed.

They all were quite for a moment, a comfortable silence enveloping the room.

"Come on," Octavia jested, "let's go out. We haven't done that in a long time."

Clarke thought back to the last time she went out, but couldn't quite remember. It had been that long. She looked at Raven, then looked at Octavia. She didn't want to, but she knew she needed to get out of the house, to move around, to talk to people in person. She needed to not wallow in her sadness and guilt.

"Okay."

And the madness began.

#####

It had been a while since Clarke had partied. Finn didn't really like the party scene that much so they never really went out, unless it was Octavia's birthday.

She felt so old.

They had charmed the bouncer into letting them up into the rooftop party and from there she lost both of her friends. So now she was wondering around, looking for someone to talk to, or something to drink. She had taken her phone out to see if one of them had texted her, but nothing.

As she looked up from her phone, she collided with a solid, cold body. Clarke looked up and was faced with a greasy, disheveled boyman (she couldn't with the stupid look on his face). He looked her up and down and grinned widely, moved back into her space and rested a hand on her arm. He flirted and she stood there awkwardly. She wanting to leave, but the grip on her arm was a bit tight. She was afraid he may get violent.

"Hey buddy! Can you get your hands off her?" She heard a woman say, and felt a person move up behind her.

The dark haired boyman scoffed, "Why don't you mind your business, if she wanted me to leave she'd tell me."

"Well with the grip on her arm you have she may be afraid to say something and how you're in her personal space. Just look at the expression on her face and the way her body is leaning away from you. From fifty feet away I could see she didn't want to talk to you." The women said and stepped closer to the boyman.

"Dude just back off!"

The woman laughed humorlessly, "Not until you let her go and leave her alone."

They had an intense stare down, one that Clarke was intimidated from immediately. The woman's fiery green eyes pierced into the boyman's flat brown ones. Finally the boyman let her arm go and stormed off.

"Thank you so much." Clarke sighed.

"It's no problem. Men, if I can call him that, like that are disgusting. I'm sorry about that." The woman smiled quickly at her and Clarke's heart fluttered for the first time in months.

"Seriously, thank you. I didn't know how to tell him to leave me alone."

"Seriously, it's no problem."

Clarke looked at the woman for the first time, and she wishes she hadn't.

She was wearing a lose white t-shirt with the first 4 buttons undone, her bra peeking out while her legs her were clad in black skinny jeans and black converse on her feet. The woman's hair was down, wavy, with small braids interlaced. Clarke had to look away, and close her mouth before she drooled all over the floor.

"Hello?"

"Sorry, you just look really nice tonight." Clarke internally cursed herself.

The woman winked, "I should, I am the host of the party."

"Really? What's your name?"

Clarke felt stupid, she should know the hostess name. She would if she got an invitation.

"Lexa woods, but you would've known that if you were invited." Lexa smirked.

"I'm so sorry, my friends wanted to go out and we ju-''

Lexa hushed her, "Its fine. Have fun Clarke."

With that Lexa sauntered away from Clarke.

Clarke was left standing there her mind reeling around the last few seconds with _Lexa_.


	3. Chapter 3

Time

Chapter 3

 _Lexa knew what had happened that night. She wasn't stupid. It was a setup, to hurt her, the way she hurt Nia. She hated that someone could be that hurt, and then send a person to their death._

 _ **#####**_

Her mind was still fuzzy when she woke up again. The pain medicine had worn off and her head was pounding again, her back aching.

"Lex?" She heard Anya call, a distant sound within the noise in mind.

"Fuck my head hurts." She sat up and coughed weakly.

Lexa went to open her eyes and she hissed in pain. She forgot how bright hospital lights were. She beckoned Anya to her and made her request. Once it was dark she was able to look around, without blinding herself.

"How are you champ?"

"Don't call me that," Lexa groaned, "You know I hate that stupid ass nickname."

Before Anya could reply Lexa's parents were in the room, fussing and scolding her profusely. She expected none the less. It was Judy and Gustus Woods.

"Mom stop pulling at my hair!"

"Lexa don't yell at your mother."

"Thank you Gus, I'm just trying to fix it. Make it look nice."

"God I missed your parents Lex."

Lexa huffed as her mother continued to pull at her hair and her father and best friend sat and watched. She didn't necessarily hate her mother, but her mother sure as hell brought her to the brink every time she saw her.

"Lexa, why don't you ever straighten this mess of yours?" Judy asked, her hand still within the "Mess", as she liked to call it.

Lexa sighed, "Because I don't want to mom, just because you hate your hair doesn't mean I have to hate mine."

Lexa was a firm believer in anything anti-Judy. Always has been, probably always will be.

#####

"So when do I get out of here?"

"If everything checks out alright after this exam. You'll be discharged today." The doctor says

It had been a few hours after the reunite exam and everything was perfectly fine. She had set up an appointment for her dialysis treatment and a date to check into rehab.

She could go home for the time being.

She was afraid to, afraid to go back to the place she overdosed, the place she found out, the place they shared a home.

#####

 _Lexa heard her phone go off and she sprinted for it. She needed to hear Costia's voice, to know she was okay._

" _Hey," Lexa breathed out._

" _Hello Lexa."_

 _That wasn't Costia, it was a deep gruff voice. A man. She was with a man._

" _Who the fuck is this?!"_

 _She heard a laugh, "I don't think that's what you're going to care about right now. I think you're to care about how Costia is doing."_

" _Who the fuck are you?!" Lexa yelled into the phone again._

" _I'm the one," there was a pause, "I'm the one who is going to ruin your life."_

#####

Lexa had been home for three days and she was plagued with the memories she didn't want to remember. She would look at her couch and see her and Costia laying together watching some movie they weren't actually paying attention to.

She look into her kitchen and see a candle lit dinner prepared on the island, with Costia leaning against counter. A goofy smile on her face, her curly hair pulled back into a loose ponytail. A shine of sweat on her forehead, love shinning out through her eyes.

Lexa would look up to the ceiling and the ache to touch Costia would become unbearable. To just hold her against her front, to hide her face in her neck when things got too hard.

She missed Costia with every fiber in her being and the urge to drink was getting stronger and stronger.

#####

 _Lexa looked down at her phone and let a few tears fall, her stomach burning._

 _It was_ the _call._

 _She heard her voice for ten seconds and then the line would go dead. Not enough time to track the call, not enough to say all the things she wanted._

 _She thought if she played by his rulers maybe he would give her Costia back. It had been four days. Costia's voice would be weaker with each call._

#####

Lexa needed to do something, her mind was driving her crazy. She needed to do something besides stare at the rehab centers white walls.

Anything because she wanted a drink, and she was getting pissed.

She got up and went into the common room, and sat in a random chair in the back of the room. And she watched the people.

#####

 _"Lexa, baby I love you so much. You know that right?"_

 _"I-I do. I love you too, Costia what's going on in there?"_

 _She heard Costia sigh, "It's not important. The only important thing right now is us, okay? Just talk to me baby,"_

 _Lexa was about to reply as she heard a shrill scream through the phone. She heard Costia pleading, she heard a thud and the phone went silent._

 _She knew now why the phone call was more than eleven seconds._

 _She was gone._

 _#####_

Lexa liked to watch the people. They were all a mystery to her. Their stories, they families, even their names.

But there was this one guy, a nurse named Lincoln, which she seemed to relate with the most. He was quiet, well spoken, strong, and peaceful. She liked him a lot, they'd chat quickly through passing and she was always left feeling better, walking lighter.

"Lexa!" Lincoln greeted when she walked into the common room.

"Hey,"

He placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled down at her, "You came just in time for group,"

"Group?"

"It's when everyone who wants to join, we come in here, sit at the tables and just talk about what we are thinking about or feeling at the moment. You could join if you want."

His dark brown eyes bore into hers, she felt warm. He was a big, ripped, tattooed man, but she felt so safe with him.

"I'll join."

#####

 _Lexa grabbed her credit card, pulled up her hoody and walked into the liquor store. The man behind the counter eyed her for a second and went back to looking at his newspaper._

 _Lexa needed something to shut off her mind. She didn't want to remember Costia's smile, she didn't want to remember the way she looked in her clothes. How she made Lexa feel safe, feel warm._

 _Lexa needed to forget, because it hurt too much._

 _#####_

"I'm Echo, I'm introducing myself for the new girl's sake. And today is a really good day. I just got off the phone with my baby boy and Jason. They are both really happy and I'm just happy they are happy." Echo sat in her chair hunched over, almost curled into herself.

"I'm Alex. I just checked in about a day ago. And can I be blunt?" He looked over to Lincoln, who nodded, "I really want a fucking drink,"

There was a chorus of 'yes'-es and everyone laughing lightly, including Lexa.

"Lexa, it's your turn," Lincoln says.

"Well my name is Lexa. I checked in about a month ago. I haven't received or made any calls so I don't really know what to say," She fidgeted with her thumbs.

"Do you want to talk about how you're feeling at the moment?" Lincoln asked softly.

Lexa looked each person in the eye for a moment, wanting to know everything. From their favorite color to their deepest darkest secret. Wanting to be filled with something, anything at all.

"Empty."

#####

" _Lexa?" Anya called._

 _Lexa lifted her head, "What!?"_

" _They found her body," Anya says._

 _Lexa gasped and felt her eyes water._

" _W-where?'' Lexa voice quivered._

 _Anya took Lexa's hand and led them to the car. Once they both were buckled in Anya drove the car while Lexa sat in the back of her car trying to keep it together._

 _Lexa felt like she was driving to her death, she knew she was never going to be the same after that night. She didn't want to see her like that. She didn't want to see her cold, pale, lifeless body. But she did, all at the same time._

 _As they arrived Anya turned to Lexa, and brought her out of the trance she was stuck in._

" _We are here," Anya whispered._

 _Lexa looked at the building they were outside. Los Angeles morgue. The words hit her harder than they should have. They sat in her stomach and made her feel to full. There was too much in her head. Too much to think about, to take in, to realize._

 _Too much._

" _Lexa you don't have to go in yet," Anya whispered again, "we can wait until you're ready,"_

 _Lexa gulped._

 _She wasn't ready, but she would never be ready._

" _Let's go Anya," Lexa unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car slowly._

 _She waited for Anya to get out of the car before Lexa walked on shaky legs to the door of the police station. She needed a breath, to collect her thoughts, to try and do something before she lost her mind._

" _Lexa?"_

" _Just give me a fucking minute Anya!" Lexa snapped._

 _All Anya could think about was the last time she saw Costia, how happy she looked with Lexa. How Costia gazed at Lexa, her big eyes seemed to be trying to take in every detail. Every single thing about Lexa, Costia wanted to look at, to absorb. Now she knew why._

" _Let's go," Lexa breathed out._

 _#####_

It had been days since she had participated in 'group', and she didn't plan on going back. She felt to open, everyone looking at her, trying to figure her out. She really didn't like that.

Lexa was sitting in the back of the common room, in a very unstable plastic chair, gazing at the people. The way they talked to one another, the way they stood, facial expressions, she looked and listened at everything. It was her favorite pastime, people watching. She'd been this way since she was a little girl, it brought her a sense of peace. She studied the people she found the most interesting, the one she wanted to know more about. Lexa would find out the smallest things, a secret tattoo, a subtle hand twitch, a tell sign of anxiety, all in strangers she'd never see again.

#####

 _They opened the door to the morgue and Lexa wanted to vomit. Anya held her hand again and walked them up to the front desk, asked for Detective Murphy. They waited for the man to show and once he did Lexa felt her body go cold._

 _It was time._

 _#####_

"Lexa!" Lincoln called.

"Yes?"

He smiled softly, "You have a visitor, Mrs. Indra Jones,"

Lexa eyes started to water and she instantly felt warm inside.

"Can I go to the front and get her, please?" Lexa felt like she was burning from the inside out.

She felt like a child again.

Lincoln nodded and let her through the door and she had to use all her self-control to not run to Indra. Once she stepped up to the glass window separating the connecting hall and the front office, she looked for Indra and instantly found her.

"Go get her Lexa," Lincoln said.

She pushed the door open and all the eyes were on her, but she was only looking at Indra. Indra stood up and took Lexa's hand, thanked the secretary and walked out of the office.

Lexa told Indra that she was going to go to her room, that they could talk there. Without prying eyes, and Lincoln laughed. A deep, hearty laugh that struck Lexa as foreign. But she just brushed it off and led Indra to her room, feeling her body relax once the door was closed.

Lexa looked at Indra and felt her eyes water and Indra gathered her in her arms. She held Lexa in her arms while Lexa cried softly into her shoulder. The way Indra loved this young women was astonishing to her. She'd never loved anyone as much as Lexa. She known Lexa since she first entered the industry.

She was this little girl, wide eyed, shy, but with a mean stare. Indra figured it was a defense mechanism, which it was. But as she approached the shy sixteen year old she figured out she was just like any other girl her age. She was obnoxious, a bit stupid, and extremely bitchy. But Indra wasn't too fazed by it. She'd seen enough sixteen year olds form into respectable, amazing people. She had a feeling Lexa was going to be more than just amazing.

She was right.

#####

 _It had been six months Lexa drank herself into unemployment. Her label fired her, her friends had fallen away, and she didn't want to see anyone but Anya._

" _How are you doing?" Anya asked once she had taken the vodka away from Lexa._

" _Iiiii'mm alright. Best I've been since the love of my life was murdered by Roan," Lexa slurred as she stumbled into the kitchen._

 _Anya rolled her eyes, "How do you know it was him? It could've been one of her father's men, you know how much he hated you. Or it could've been one of the lower ranking assholes."_

" _I KNOW IT WAS ROAN!"_

" _How?!"_

 _Lexa swallowed, "Because of what happened to her tattoo. Only Nia and her disgusting son would've sent a message like that. They were the only ones to know what it meant."_

 _Lexa stumbled into her room and opened her drawer, to grab a photo. Of a mangled limb. The blood wiped away, the once beautiful symbol, only a memory._

 _"See?!" Lexa shoved the photo in her face, "Who else would cut her like that? Tell me Anya!"_

 _Anya sat in the plush chair, trying to keep her lunch down. She was in disbelief._

 _That couldn't be what she thought it was._


	4. Chapter 4

Time

Chapter 4 – draft 2

 _Clarke looked up at the ceiling, and saw the little green dots that splattered across it. She counted them, one two three four five six seven eight, all the way until she couldn't see them anymore._

 _The room she was in was dark with a heavy smell of sex and sweat. There was one window that showed the moon while another was boarded up. The ceiling itself was bumpy, with flecks of blue and pink throughout. The walls were bare, and the paint was pilling from them. The color was a deep blue, it reminded Clarke of her father's eyes. It was empty, except for her and a rocking chair. The chair was broken and old, with a wobbly leg. It creaked, and swung back and forth with the wind._

 _She needed to find her way out, but she couldn't seem to look away from the green dots, she followed them all over the room. From the far back corner to the doorframe. Clarke felt like she was running, but when she looked down at her feet they were moving at a slow rate. Like she was in slow motion, or moving backwards._

" _STOP!" she heard a woman scream, her voice shrill._

 _Clarke stopped, and so did the green dots._

 _The woman spoke again, "Why are you here?"_

" _I don't know!" Clarke said._

 _She felt a force on her chest and then she was pushed into the rocking chair, and she couldn't move._

" _How did you get here?" she felt the voice in her ear, warm breathe ghosted along her neck and she shivered._

" _I-I-I-I-I told you I don't know."_

 _She felt a hand grab her shoulder and the breath get hotter, "Tell meee," it hissed out._

Clarke jumped awake, her body shivering and a cold sweat on her brow.

"Clarke?" Raven called out.

"Y-yeah Rae?"

Raven stepped into the room, "I heard you screaming. I came in to make sure you were okay,"

"I'm okay, I think." Clarke felt another shiver go through her body.

"You sure?"

Clarke smiled into the dark, "No, but I guess I'll be okay,''

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Raven asked, "I don't want you upset,"

"That would be nice," Clarke looked down at her navy blue covers and felt her chest tighten a bit.

She definitely wanted someone with her.

Raven pulled back the blanket and gingerly sat down onto Clarke's bed. She saw that Clarke had nestled back into bed and it relaxed her. She knew that she wasn't unwanted. Raven turned over onto her side and looked at Clarke's blonde hair, how it shimmered in the moon light. How pretty it looked against the dark color of the sheets.

"Raven? You still up?" Clarke asked.

"Yeah," She was exhausted though.

Clarke held her breath, "I'm sorry."

"What?" Raven frowned, "why are you sorry Clarke?"

"He was yours first, I shouldn't have done anything. I should have backed off, let you have him," Clarke swallowed back tears, "I'm so sorry Raven."

"Look at me,"

Clarke turned over and faced her dead boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.

Raven placed a hand on Clarke's cheek, "Stop it. You have been apologizing to me for months. He's been gone for a year, we are in a good place. We are roommates and your mother is my physical therapist. We are okay, and I sure as hell don't blame you for what he did, and how he died. So just stop it Clarke!"

"I just- I can't," Clarke closed her eyes briefly.

Raven sat up, "Clarke Marie Griffin, you have been forgiven. Forgive yourself,"

Clarke sat up with her, "I don't know how,"

"Well no one knows how, but you work through your shit and it happens. How do you think I was able to move in with you? I worked through my crap and moved into this kick ass house with you!"

"I don't how, I don't how to do it without losing myself. I can't think about him, I can't think about what I did, why I did it. It's going to hurt too much. Raven," Clarke wiped at her eyes, "I need help,"

"That's what I'm here for," Raven smiled weakly, "that's what me and Octavia are here for. We are here to pick you back up when you fall. If life was meant to be alone, you'd be alone!"

"I'm so tired," Clarke looked back up to Raven, her eyes dull and dark.

Raven gathered Clarke in her arms, "I know honey,"

Clarke buried her face in Raven's neck and breathed in deep. She couldn't believe the way the past year had gone. It was like she was a robot, doing what she was programmed to do. She couldn't seem to find herself, to get out of the dark hole she was. She was lost, searching for a Clarke that was no longer there.

Raven held her tightly, and rocked them slightly. She loved this girl so much sometimes it hurt. Clarke may not know but Raven used her to heal. She used her music and her drive as a person to pick herself back up. It was Raven's turn.

#####

"CLARKE?" Raven yelled once she was in the apartment.

She got no reply, which was odd. So she moved quickly through the house, looking eagerly for the blonde. She found her in the basement.

"Babe wake up," Raven shook her shoulder lightly.

Clarke jumped up, "Fuck you weren't supposed to find me down here,"

Raven looked around and gasped. The piano was dusted off and so was the guitar. Clarke had been writing, or at least trying. Raven grinned at her and smothered her in a bear hug. Clarke giggled and hugged her back. She released Clarke and sat them both down on the piano bench.

"When? How? Why? Why didn't you tell me?! Wait! Do you want me to leave? If you want piracy?" Raven babbled.

Clarke shook her head, "Rae shut up!"

Raven laughed, "Okay fine."

Clarke grabbed the notebook off the top of the piano, looked at it, then at Raven and back at the notebook.

"I don't know if I want to show you it, it's really fucking bad," Clarke looked at Raven.

Raven scoffed, "Well it's supposed to be bad, you haven't written in months!"

"Thanks Rae."

#####

Octavia dropped the weight loudly, her arms burning.

"Stop treating the equipment like trash O," Bellamy yelled from this place on the treadmill.

Octavia scoffed, "Shut up, if I break something I have the money to fix it," and she went back to lifting.

Bellamy knew something was wrong with his sister, she never went to his gym, never talked to him that way.

"Octavia put the weights down, let's talk,"

"I didn't come here to socialize, I came to workout, leave me alone."

Bellamy knew to leave her alone, he could hear the shaking in her voice. He put his headphones back in, walked slowly to his treadmill and started back up.

He was going to figure out what was going on with his sister.

#####

She hated him with every fiber in her body. She was angry that he left them, angry she was left to clean up his mess. Angry that he didn't see how much they both loved him. She hated him.

Octavia wiped the sweat off her forehead and kept running. She had to keep moving, had to distract herself.

The street lights were on and she could see a couple of people walking around silently, the lonely souls. She looked at them with a feeling of regret in her chest.

She wanted to not be out with them, she wanted to be whole again, happy again. Octavia wanted to be able to smile at her best friends without feeling a pang off guilt. She wanted to not feel like this anymore.

She missed Finn. Octavia missed how happy he made Raven, how Raven had more good days with him by her side.

Her hair fell in her face and she wiped it away as she rounded the corner to her building. She grabbed her keys and unlocked the door. She really needed to shower. Once she was upstairs she shed her shirt and screamed loudly.

"What the hell are you doing in my apartment?!"

Bellamy stood, "We have got to talk Octavia, and you are going somewhere bad. And I wanna know why,"

Octavia felt her chest explode, with anger and love. Her brother was a good man, but she couldn't tell him. Her mind wouldn't let her, even though her heart longed to get this out.

 _You are not telling him, you horrible person. You don't deserve to feel relief. Not after what you did!_

She shook her head, she hated that voice. It never left her alone.

"Bell I'm okay, now go. So I can shower,'

"Octavia," he shook his head, "You aren't okay."

"Bellamy please… just leave," She cast her eyes down.

He looked at her, and felt his chest constrict. He wanted to help, knew that he could but she wouldn't let him.

He sighed, "Fine."

Bellamy left without another word.


	5. Hiatus

**Hiatus**

Hi, it's the author here (Liz). I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm putting time on hiatus. I just don't have time (lol) to write anymore, and I don't know what I'm going to even right about anymore. I can't give you a time frame, but I know it'll be somewhere in the summer that I'll start writing. I'm sorry, and I hope you have a good day/night.

We'll meet again.

~ Liz 3/10/17


End file.
